Topeng Malam

You're the one who started reach me again after all the silence You don't know how I tried to mute any things related to you I was successfully working on that, although my mind was never failed to remember you Turns out, the first message you sent after a long-break, was mean nothing You wanted something from me, you get it, and that's all Well, I knew, but I just let it happened I was happy for that short time we spend together, a very short time~ Then I completely lost myself trying to understand what was just happened I want to erase all memories, to erase you from my life, completely, without any single trace But again, it would just be a waste of time The harder I try to forget you, the more I'll remember you So, tell me, what should I do? When all I want is you When all I want to do is reach you out When all I want to do is to be with you When all I want to do is seeing you But you don't want anything about me, at least from what I know so far I have told you

If I could define myself, I would never say I am a brave person. Anxiety goes along with me every day at every chance. Which made me scared to do anything. Every time I wake up, I will always think about what will happen today, how am I going to get through this day. Will there be anything that I couldn't handle? Will there be someone who will be mad at me? How am I going to go to a certain place? What should I eat for lunch? What time should I eat for lunch? etc. If only I had the chance and strength to stop and not do anything, I will gladly take that chance. If only I do not need money for living, if my mother still has a lot of money in her bank account, I will gladly do nothing and just enjoy every moment. But, I am not sure whether all of those 'if only' situations will surely calm my mind. I am not sure. I guess I am too selfish, to keep waking up every day just to realize that I am not enjoying my life. I keep doing something that deep in my heart makes me uncomfort

One day I was contemplating the future that I want to have. In the middle of contemplating, my mind wander into some moments of my life. Those short rewinds of memories make me realize that I have the tendency to be a pleasure chaser. To wanted something because I thought it would make me happy but ended up making me want more of other things. I remembered that I wanted a keyboard to play music when I was in elementary school. I wanted to learn how to play it and I wanted to perform as a keyboardist in my school. After a certain time of waiting, my parents finally bought me a keyboard and planned to get me a music teacher. Something happens, and all my desire for a keyboard disappears. I didn't want to play it again or learn how to play it. The keyboard is still there in my home but no one plays it now. I also remembered that I wanted a camera. I told my parents about it, I was so interested to take photographs, editing, and sharing the results of my photographs. After a long waiti