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I am (not) Brave.

Oleh
If I could define myself, I would never say I am a brave person. Anxiety goes along with me every day at every chance. Which made me scared to do anything.

Every time I wake up, I will always think about what will happen today, how am I going to get through this day. Will there be anything that I couldn't handle? Will there be someone who will be mad at me? How am I going to go to a certain place? What should I eat for lunch? What time should I eat for lunch? etc.

If only I had the chance and strength to stop and not do anything, I will gladly take that chance. If only I do not need money for living, if my mother still has a lot of money in her bank account, I will gladly do nothing and just enjoy every moment. But, I am not sure whether all of those 'if only' situations will surely calm my mind. I am not sure.

I guess I am too selfish, to keep waking up every day just to realize that I am not enjoying my life. I keep doing something that deep in my heart makes me uncomfortable. I keep telling and pushing myself just to make sure I am not burdening anyone else. Just keep going Julian, just keep going, don't stop now or ever.

In a situation where I am not comfortable, I can't even decide the best thing for myself. I am staying, just because I don't know any other option if I am quit. I am staying because I am afraid of not knowing what to do. 

It is like I am walking without knowing when I should stop because I am afraid that I will not get there to where I want if I stop walking. But walking is surely uncomfortable for me most of the time. Sometimes I got lost and just spent hours walking in this life without knowing that I was too tired and something inside of me keep telling me to walk.

If someone asks me what I want to do in my life right now, I have no answers for that. I have no answers for anything related to myself. I am confused, I am lost, and I am drowning in something that I have no clue about.

I am more afraid of hurting or letting down someone else than hurting or letting down myself. So in every chance, I'll try my best to not hurt someone or let them down even though sometimes they are the ones who hurt me. 

I have no guts to stand for myself. Sometimes I just do my best to be calm and quiet in the middle of the storm. You know, when you just sit down and do not stand up in the storm, you might be swapped away by the storm, you get lost, you get injured or you might be dead. That's what I do, I just keep it in my heart, even knowing it will blow sometimes, I just don't care about it. I don't like trouble, so I try not to start one.

So, sorry for not being brave enough to any of you. I try my best to be so, I am just not finished yet. Thank you for understanding me, and it's ok if you can't.
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