Topeng Malam

One day I was contemplating the future that I want to have. In the middle of contemplating, my mind wander into some moments of my life. Those short rewinds of memories make me realize that I have the tendency to be a pleasure chaser. To wanted something because I thought it would make me happy but ended up making me want more of other things. I remembered that I wanted a keyboard to play music when I was in elementary school. I wanted to learn how to play it and I wanted to perform as a keyboardist in my school. After a certain time of waiting, my parents finally bought me a keyboard and planned to get me a music teacher. Something happens, and all my desire for a keyboard disappears. I didn't want to play it again or learn how to play it. The keyboard is still there in my home but no one plays it now. I also remembered that I wanted a camera. I told my parents about it, I was so interested to take photographs, editing, and sharing the results of my photographs. After a long waiti

Two years of clinical rotation in the hospital was one of the hardest times I've ever been through. I remember the day I had my first ER shift, my thoughts were never quite, I had some really bad scenarios running in my mind which makes me more nervous and questioning my decision to join the medical school at the first place. After that, all I care about was to finish the rotation and get out from there as soon as I could. I almost quit but I thought the wait is worth the pain. It is true. I finished the rotations and I get my certificate as a Medical Doctor. But it's not the end, I carried my anxiety away with me after the rotations ended. I was struggling to manage my worries about almost everything in my life. I was worried a lot which made me unable to enjoy the present.  I was diagnosed with a generalized anxiety disorder by a psychiatrist. I got medicine to help me handle my anxiety but I didn't take it because I don't want to consume any medication, I need someon

Sudah tidak tahu bagaimana mengukur rasa capek yang tiap hari perlahan dikubur dengan rasa capek yang baru ini. Rasanya sia-sia kalau mengukur kecapekan hari demi hari. Menjalani hari demi merasakan capek dimalam hari untuk mempersiapkan diri menjelang capek esok harinya. Ingin berhenti sejenak, sekadar menghela nafas atau berdiam tanpa melakukan sesuatu. Tapi sesuatu yang di kejar rasanya tidak mungkin ditinggal barang sebentar untuk menarik nafas setelah tersengal-sengal. Malahan sekarang rasanya apa yang dikejar berbalik mengejar. Ingin sekali mengatakan, "Buk aku capek, aku udah gak kuat, boleh aku istirahat dari semua ini dan mencari tahu apa mauku? Tapi Ibu akan kehilangan semua uang yang telah Ibu keluarkan untukku". Tapi bayangan kekecewaan Ibu ku seakan lebih besar dari keinginan untuk berhenti sekarang ini. Meskipun lelah, sungguh lelah yang hebat secara fisik dan mental, aku belum tega memenangkan egoku. Ingin sekali mengatakan, "Dokter, saya lelah. Saya t