Topeng Malam

If I could define myself, I would never say I am a brave person. Anxiety goes along with me every day at every chance. Which made me scared to do anything. Every time I wake up, I will always think about what will happen today, how am I going to get through this day. Will there be anything that I couldn't handle? Will there be someone who will be mad at me? How am I going to go to a certain place? What should I eat for lunch? What time should I eat for lunch? etc. If only I had the chance and strength to stop and not do anything, I will gladly take that chance. If only I do not need money for living, if my mother still has a lot of money in her bank account, I will gladly do nothing and just enjoy every moment. But, I am not sure whether all of those 'if only' situations will surely calm my mind. I am not sure. I guess I am too selfish, to keep waking up every day just to realize that I am not enjoying my life. I keep doing something that deep in my heart makes me uncomfort

One day I was contemplating the future that I want to have. In the middle of contemplating, my mind wander into some moments of my life. Those short rewinds of memories make me realize that I have the tendency to be a pleasure chaser. To wanted something because I thought it would make me happy but ended up making me want more of other things. I remembered that I wanted a keyboard to play music when I was in elementary school. I wanted to learn how to play it and I wanted to perform as a keyboardist in my school. After a certain time of waiting, my parents finally bought me a keyboard and planned to get me a music teacher. Something happens, and all my desire for a keyboard disappears. I didn't want to play it again or learn how to play it. The keyboard is still there in my home but no one plays it now. I also remembered that I wanted a camera. I told my parents about it, I was so interested to take photographs, editing, and sharing the results of my photographs. After a long waiti

Two years of clinical rotation in the hospital was one of the hardest times I've ever been through. I remember the day I had my first ER shift, my thoughts were never quite, I had some really bad scenarios running in my mind which makes me more nervous and questioning my decision to join the medical school at the first place. After that, all I care about was to finish the rotation and get out from there as soon as I could. I almost quit but I thought the wait is worth the pain. It is true. I finished the rotations and I get my certificate as a Medical Doctor. But it's not the end, I carried my anxiety away with me after the rotations ended. I was struggling to manage my worries about almost everything in my life. I was worried a lot which made me unable to enjoy the present.  I was diagnosed with a generalized anxiety disorder by a psychiatrist. I got medicine to help me handle my anxiety but I didn't take it because I don't want to consume any medication, I need someon